Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Worth A Try

for the past month i would watch my daughter carefully. i would watch her face as we would run into friends. her friends. the friends that would bubble over with excitement as they talked about who their teachers were and who was in their classes. when i would ask if she was ok...she always assured me she was. that she still wanted to home school.
but then she received a sweet letter from a girlfriend. the letter rambled on about summer, how much she missed randi, and how great 4th grade was. that was it. i could see it written all over my little girl's face. she missed all of that. as much as she loves staying home with me..i couldn't replace the friends and all of the activities.
she and i sat down and talked about what she wanted to do. before long, the tears began streaming down her face. my heart broke. and the salty water streamed down my cheeks, as well.
when we made the decision to home school - it was always under the condition that we could go back at any time. if anybody was unhappy. but. that was the hard part she said. she wasn't unhappy. but, i knew she would be happier in school.
so, after a sleepless night and a ridiculously emotional morning...we have made the decision to go back to school. starting next tuesday. both schools welcomed us back with open arms.
and. both kids. are happy.
i'm happy too. but, a little confused at myself. i was so emotional about the whole thing and i'm not sure why. i thought, for sure, we were doing the right thing. it was going to be fun...educational...and perfect. i had spent the good part of a year preparing. buying materials, reading, and putting other things i could focus on this endeavor.
but, why? why did i want to do this? am i so selfish that i just wanted my kids with me all of the time? so that i have control over who they are with and what they are learning? maybe.
am i a lost soul without being mom 24/7? am i worried about what will become of me if they are in school all day? what will i do? who will i be? as absurd as it sounds...quite possibly. because being mom is my job. it defines me.
therefore...i need to figure what else defines me.
i know i was somebody else before i was a mom and wife.
but, enough sappy, psycho babble! my little darlins' are happy. they are going back to school next week. and. i will have. approximately 2 hours. to myself. monday through thursday.

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