Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Sometimes... throws you curve balls.
life is not fair.
things just stink.

last thursday, mr. c and i went in for my ultrasound.
{i was almost 10 weeks pregnant...again.}
they had to tell me there was no heart beat.
{again, no signs of anything being wrong.}

with tears running down to the pillow i said,
"are you sure?  keep checking."
they were sure.

the nice tech and doctor left mr. c and i alone.
again, i was in that dark room.
but, this time...
i had mr. c.
wonderful mr. c.
he held me tight and told me things were ok.
he kissed me.
he told me how much he loved me.
he listened as i sobbed that this was not fair.
and, he made me laugh...when i wanted to cry.

{happy gerber daisies from my mom.}

my doctor was able to get me in for a d&c the very next day.
we had to be at the hospital at 7 AM.
i kissed my babies goodbye,
{cade was extra clingy and randi just wanted to make sure i was ok}
and headed to surgery.

when my doctor
{whom i love}
opened the curtain to my pre-op area...
she had tears in her eyes.
she said, "i never like for this to happen. but, when they called and told me it was you...
my heart broke."
we both cried.
and, i told her i could not do this again.
maybe cade was just our miracle baby.
{him being born with gastroschisis - non genetic and no explanations....and having two more that did not develop past 10 weeks - with no explanations...maybe mr. c and i were meant for other things.}

the surgery went smoothly. 
i was a train wreck last time.
this time, i was a little more relaxed.
by sunday morning, i  felt like my old self.
and by monday morning i was running and teaching my classes...full steam ahead.

{beautiful flowers from my favorite farmer's market on sunday morning.}

this is never easy.
and, my heart aches for women who go through this time and time again.
trying to have a baby.
{i'm so blessed with my two.}

it was a little easier this time.
mentally and emotionally, i was much healthier...
which made the physical part easier.
i was, however, angrier this time.
i kept saying it wasn't fair.
i am ridiculously careful about what i put in my body and how i treat my body.
and, when i'm pregnant...i'm over the top.
so, in my mind, it didn't make sense.
junkies, addicts, women who don't even want to be pregnant
have babies.
i'm healthy and want one and can't.

after a few hours of this, mr. c informed me that i was incorrect.
it wasn't like someone did something to us to make it "unfair".
it what it is.

after we left the hospital,
i called my parents.
{they had the kids.}
after i hung up i turned to mr. c and said,
"i'm so lucky i have them."
he smiled and said,
"baby.  i think you are pretty lucky in every aspect of your life."
he is absolutely right.
very lucky indeed.