Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Moving Forward

yesterday morning, 5:30.
i was back in a familiar place.
the outpatient surgery center at good sam.
only this time, it was by choice.

i've been there twice before in the last two years.
because i had miscarried...lost the babies i desperately wanted.
this time, however, was different.
because, i know i cannot go down that emotional and physical
path again...i opted to have a tubal ligation.

a great deal of thought and discussion went into this decision.
i did not want to be on the pill {or any other form of contraceptive.}
mr. c could not discuss the option of him being snipped without turning green.
{women truly are the stronger of the sexes.}
and, i knew, as much as i wanted more babies...
i could not go through the loss again...and i was not willing to take the chance.

and, with women's reproductive organs being such a hot political topic...
i decided to act now...before, they {our mighty leaders} took this choice away too.
{because, you know, having my tubes tied would lead one to believe that i would be engaging in sexual relations - with my husband - without reproducing.  gasp!} 

my mom and randi joined me at the hospital. 
mr. c was in alaska.
we talked about this when scheduling and i thought it would be easier.  he wouldn't have to juggle his schedule and i could recover while he was gone.
all fine and good until the day came.
he wasn't happy that he wasn't there.
and i wasn't happy either.
tears rolled down my cheeks while i sat on the sterile bed in pre-op.
the nurse rambling off questions i had already answered.
my mom and randi in the waiting room.
and, all i could think of was my past experiences in that same room.
and.  i wanted mr. c.
i wanted him to kiss me and hold my hand.  and tell me he loves me.

i settled for a phone call instead.
and i had my amazing mom and sweet daughter there.
{actually, they were more comic relief than anything.}

i had a team of doctors.
my awesome dr. c.
a resident...or two.
a student.
an anesthesiologist.
and nurse.
they wheeled me back to the O. R. as i rambled on about women being stronger...
movies...katy perry...magic mike...matthew mcconaughey...
and then i was asleep.

dr. c reported that everything went smoothly and all of my other organs looked good and healthy.
i was groggy most of the day.
the soreness did not set in until about five yesterday evening.
a little bloated from the gas they had to pump in me.
sore in the abs...she went in through the belly button and c-section scar.
{stuck the camera right in there...wish i could have watched.}
and, my throat was a little sore from the breathing tube...never had one of those before.
other than that...i'm good to go.
{however, she did tell me to lie low for a day or two.}

emotionally?  i'm good.
i did get a little tear in my heart as i was perusing through pinterest and saw darling pictures of pregnant bellies...
and when i thought of my conversation with cade when i explained to him what i was doing.
he said, "so, i will never have a little brother?"
{ugh. straight to the heart.}
me. "no.  do you want one?"
him, "yeah.  kinda."
me, "well, you have emerson.  and you will always be my baby."
him, "ok."
and that was it. he went on playing.

 i'm happy to be moving forward.
i'm grateful i have free agency.  insurance.  a healthy body.  moral support.
an awesome family.
two beautiful, sweet babies.
a loving husband.

{thank you mom and randi for being there.  mom, thank you for bringing soup and taking the day off work...and getting up at 4:30 in the morning.  i love you both...immensely.}