"the greatest prison people live in is the fear of what others think". - anonymous
when randi was in kindergarten, i would drop her off at school and visit with my friends while cade played. i had about 45 minutes to socialize before i needed to be at the gym to teach classes. one day, another mom made a comment to a friend of mine that i did not dress like a mom and should not come to the school that way. now, i did not show up dressed like the above photo. i probably wore the compression pants...even the sports bra...but, i always wore a t-shirt or tank top. so, i'm not sure what she was even talking about. however, it hurt my feelings. i still remember it. ten years later. was i being judged because i was fit and healthy? and, who wrote the rules of how a mom is supposed to dress?
{if she only knew i am much harder on myself than she could ever be}.
last week was the last day of elementary school for cade. {and, for me}.
to celebrate, all the 5th grade families were invited to stay at the arizona grand {local resort} for a night. there is a large water park with slides, pools, and a lazy river. we would spend the day laughing, playing and enjoying this 5th grade community for the last time. it was to be all happy and fun...so, why did i stress about it for weeks? not only was i stressing about it, i was worried about what to wear to the pool. {ridiculous, i know}. i swim laps so, i have fitness suits but, they are not fun. the only other suits i own are bikinis. not thong, string bikinis but, bikinis nonetheless. extra skin would be exposed. would i be judged? would i be that mom? the one everyone talks about? i workout hard...just about every day. i should be proud of my 43 year old body. but, i wasn't. i was so consumed with what all the other moms would think. i decided to joke about it the night before while we were all visiting around the pool. {not in the pool}. some laughed about it and told me to rock the bikini while others gave speeches saying one should only wear modest swimsuits around kids.
i asked cade if my swimsuit would embarrass him. he looked at me like i had three heads and said no.
the next day, at the water park, i sat by the pool in my cover up. when a friend said she was hot and suggested we get in, i quickly got in the water and removed my cover up simultaneously. {it was tricky}!
later that evening, as i replayed the day in my head, i became angry with myself. why did i care? why couldn't i have the confidence to wear what i want to wear? i don't judge others. i don't care what anyone else wears. {there were only two other moms in bikinis and they were not socializing with "the group"}. ugh! the whole thing was so dumb and such a waste of the little energy i had left. i decided at that moment...that would never happen again.
i'm a good person. a good mom. a good wife. a good friend. {wait. make that great...at all those things}. i can look at myself in the mirror everyday and like who i see. yes, i wear bikinis. sometimes, i wear clothes that show my midriff. some days...i don't even wear a bra! i drink wine. i have, not one but, three tattoos. our family conversations around the dinner table would leave most people in disbelief {but, they are real and honest}. my kids {at times} spout off some cuss words. and. i let it go. i don't go to church. {i don't even believe in organized religion}. my kids are taught we are all equal. judging is not ok. ever. my home is full of love, honesty and goodness.
i am me. and, i like that person. bikinis and all.
"do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway." - eleanor roosevelt
welcome to my little blog! this is a happy place where i share moments of my life in sunny arizona. the pages are filled with thoughts on motherhood, marriage, recipes, crafts, travel, politics, the great outdoors, and the occasional rambling of nonsense!
Love. Love. Love.
No comments:
Post a Comment