i am me

{circa: october 2013}

"the greatest prison people live in is the fear of what others think". - anonymous

when randi was in kindergarten, i would drop her off at school and visit with my friends while cade played. i had about 45 minutes to socialize before i needed to be at the gym to teach classes.  one day, another mom made a comment to a friend of mine that i did not dress like a mom and should not come to the school that way. now, i did not show up dressed like the above photo.  i probably wore the compression pants...even the sports bra...but, i always wore a t-shirt or tank top. so, i'm not sure what she was even talking about. however, it hurt my feelings. i still remember it. ten years later. was i being judged because i was fit and healthy? and, who wrote the rules of how a mom is supposed to dress?

{if she only knew i am much harder on myself than she could ever be}.

last week was the last day of elementary school for cade. {and, for me}. 

to celebrate, all the 5th grade families were invited to stay at the arizona grand {local resort} for a night. there is a large water park with slides, pools, and a lazy river. we would spend the day laughing, playing and enjoying this 5th grade community for the last time.  it was to be all happy and fun...so, why did i stress about it for weeks?  not only was i stressing about it, i was worried about what to wear to the pool. {ridiculous, i know}. i swim laps so, i have fitness suits but, they are not fun. the only other suits i own are bikinis. not thong, string bikinis but, bikinis nonetheless. extra skin would be exposed. would i be judged? would i be that mom? the one everyone talks about? i workout hard...just about every day. i should be proud of my 43 year old body. but, i wasn't. i was so consumed with what all the other moms would think. i decided to joke about it the night before while we were all visiting around the pool. {not in the pool}. some laughed about it and told me to rock the bikini while others gave speeches saying one should only wear modest swimsuits around kids.

i asked cade if my swimsuit would embarrass him. he looked at me like i had three heads and said no.

the next day, at the water park, i sat by the pool in my cover up. when a friend said she was hot and suggested we get in, i quickly got in the water and removed my cover up simultaneously. {it was tricky}! 

later that evening, as i replayed the day in my head, i became angry with myself. why did i care? why couldn't i have the confidence to wear what i want to wear? i don't judge others. i don't care what anyone else wears. {there were only two other moms in bikinis and they were not socializing with "the group"}. ugh! the whole thing was so dumb and such a waste of the little energy i had left. i decided at that moment...that would never happen again. 

i'm a good person. a good mom. a good wife. a good friend. {wait. make that great...at all those things}. i can look at myself in the mirror everyday and like who i see. yes, i wear bikinis. sometimes, i wear clothes that show my midriff. some days...i don't even wear a bra!  i drink wine. i have, not one but, three tattoos. our family conversations around the dinner table would leave most people in disbelief {but, they are real and honest}. my kids {at times} spout off some cuss words. and. i let it go. i don't go to church. {i don't even believe in organized religion}.  my kids are taught we are all equal. judging is not ok. ever.  my home is full of love, honesty and goodness.

i am me. and, i like that person. bikinis and all.

"do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway." - eleanor roosevelt